Laugh Effect
by Panda Krios
Summary: Have you ever wonder what Shepard does in her spare time? What does the crew do to keep from going insane? Being brunch up on the Normandy only one thing to do. Play pranks,get drunk and troll on the internet. Even Commander Shepard gets bored; join her and the infamous crew in snapshots of a not so average day on the Normandy.
1. Grey hair for Shepard

_We're off to kick the Collectors _

_right in their daddybags._

_ That's enough for me._

_-Ken Donnelly_

* * *

><p>Commander Jane Shepard has done the impossible, she stop Saren, save the Citadel and destroyed the collectors base. She has been places many others could only dream about, she have killed some of the most dangerous criminals in the galaxy. Hell she was hero, a bloody icon is what Miranda would call her. So she is very excited to go to the Hero and Legends awards, she was also nominated for the most fearless woman award. She didn't do what she did to get awards and fame, she did it from her heart—but it was good to finally be honored from her home planted Earth. Today was her day nothing could go wrong…<p>

_An hour later at the awards ceremony commander Shepard was force to bring her crew with her to the Hal awards. She threaten her crew not to do anything to embarrass, what she didn't know that she was in for a ride for her life._

_"Ok I thought this was a good idea why." Shepard thought shifting in her chair._

She was in the front row, her crew all seat to her left and right, the left side order was as followed Thane, Garrus, Legion, Jacob, Tail, and Samara. On her right hand side was Grunt, Jack, Zaeed, Miranda, Joker, Kasumi, and Mordin. She force the men to wear black tuxedos and the women wore dresses expected Jack who throw a tantrum and Shepard settle for her to wear a pants suit.

"And we are all honored for you all to be at the Hal awards," a human male spoke at the podium on the stage.

"Boo get on with it," Jack shouted from her chair. The audiences all looked around for the person who said that.

"Jack shut up" Shepard said in her sternest voice. She gave Jack her look, Jack rolled her eyes.

"Why does he talk why are we not killing someone?" Grunt whined, he didn't know why he was force to come to this human's event.

"Because Grunt that's what people does at awards they talk," Shepard replied irritated.

_Tick _

Shepard heard a ticking sound.

_Tick_

She could hear it again, it sounded like an omni-tool—who would be on their omni-tool during a damn award ceremony?

_Tick_

This time Shepard could hear it clearer, it sounded closed almost like it was near. The audiences begin to look around as well for the sourced. They all were looking towards the front row at her crew. She prayed it wasn't any of her crewmates; she threaten all them before they left the ship. Who would be stupid enough to disobey her orders? She looked over to see Mordin on his omni-tool punching in something,

"Mordin stop that now."

"Sorry Shepard must continue research very important. Don't have time for human awards." Mordin stated never looking up from his omni-tool.

"Well then at least turn it on silent." Shepard insisted, she knew Mordin couldn't live without his research, it was his pride and joy. She could have taken his omni-tool away, but decided he could use it as long as he agrees to turn on silent mode.

"Of course Shepard." Mordin nodded turning on silent mode.

Shepard didn't understand why the Hal awards force Commanders and Captains to bring their crew along with them. If only she was back in the Alliances she wouldn't mind taking them with her, it's not that she didn't like her current crew. In fact she really cared for them like her own family, but unlike the Alliances none of her crew had been properly thought how to act at a ceremony. Hell half of them didn't even know what a suit was.

_"Maybe I'll stay for my award then sneak out.o Shepard thought_

"Yeah, I help Shepard stop Saren." Garrus boasted. He was flirting with a human woman behind him.

"Oh my God you are Garrus Vakarian I heard so much about you," the woman gasped.

"Yeah that's me, her stylish, sexy, cool Turian friend." Garrus barged.

"Garrus stop flirting with her and turned around," Shepard demanded, throwing an angry glared at her friend.

"But-"

"Turn around _now, "_Shepard demanded, clenching her fist.

"Aww man Commanders just don't understand," Garrus pouted and turn around like Shepard said.

Shepard had only been there for twenty minutes and already she was ready to get the hell out of here. She could feel her hair turning grey, and she was only thirty for goodness sake. The crew acted like little kids, and it was driving her crazy. She was ready to go back to her cabin put on her pajamas and eats some vanilla ice cream.

"Oh snap," Garrus shouted. Everyone started to glare at Garrus and his abrupt outburst.

"What happen?" Shepard question, hoping Garrus had a good reason for his sudden outburst.

"….she gave me her number," Garrus stated holding his omni-tool up, and holding up his other hand.

"Score," Jacob shouted giving him a high-five.

"I'm Garrus Vakarian and this is my favorite number in the world," Garrus shouted.

"Umm can I go on? "The human female spoke at the podium, looking a bit confused.

"Oh yea I know where you can go on." Zaeed purred.

"That's what she said," Joker jested.

"Joker, Zaeed and Garrus shut the hell up," Shepard said not realizing she shouted loud enough for the hold auditorium to hear. "Sorry go on," Shepard apologized.

"Ok the most bullets taken awards go to John Maine" The woman stated looking around for the golden award. "Where is the award?"

_The auidences looked and talked among themselves_

"Who the hell would steal an award," one man shouted from the audiences.

"Kasumi.o Shepard breathes out in a low voice. She turned to see Kasumi had her face cover by her hood, but Shepard could still see the smile on Kasumi face.

"What?" Kasumi teased, noticing Shepard looking at her. Kasumi couldn't help but smile like a Cheshire cat, she wasn't the best thief in the galaxy for nothing.

"Take the award back.o Shepard threatend, leaning over to Kasumi.

"But Shep it's so shiny," Kasumi protested.

"Go," Sheaprd warned.

"Meany." Kasumi mumbles something in Japanese, before turning invisible and going back on the stage. Of course she respected Shepard enough to listen to her, but Shepard didn't say how she would return it. Kasumi walked on the stage with the award, since she was invisible it looked like the award was floating, and of course Kasumi made ghost like sounds to make it even funnier.

"It appears to be a floating award." a woman shouted.

"Oh my god it's a ghost." another woman shouted from the back of the audiences.

"Now this is entertainment" Jack cheered.

Shepard face-palm, was human so gullible enough to believe that it was a ghost. Have they not heard of infiltrators? Shepard couldn't help but let out a low growl, once Kasumi got off the stage and the Hal awards continued, after the ghost thing—Shepard award was coming up next, she couldn't wait she would thank them and hurry out and take her damn crew with her. She has never been so embarrass in her entire life, this was turning out to be her worse normal day ever.

"And the most Fearless woman award go to Swift Taylor," the woman announced.

Shepard couldn't believe she had just lost that award, how in the hell did this Swift person win over her. She was freaking Commander Shepard, savior of the councilors, first human specter, and she lost to some alliances tramp. This day could not get any worse….

"I would like to say this award should go to Shepard not this girl." Jacob shouted. He was now on stage, he had taken the award and the mic from the young woman. Ok it had just gotten worse….

"Commander Shepard deserves this she the most fearless woman I know," Jacob said pointing to Shepard. "Come on Shepard don't be shy." Shepard who hide her face not from shyness but from embarrassment, sunk more into her chair. Jacob ranted on about how Commander Shepard was the best commander and she was the best in the hold entire galaxy.

"Yeah, my battle master is the best." Grunt stood up pounded his fist together.

"Sit down you stupid Krogan," someone shouted.

"Who the hell said that," Grunt sneered crackling his knuckles..

"Yeah which one of you pussy said that," Jack said standing up besides Grunt.

"Shut up you she-male," the man and his crew stood up. It consists of a two Turian, one Human, one Asari, and three Batarians. Shepard could all ready tell where this was going…

"I won't take that if I was you." Zaeed instigated.

"Fucker." Jack hands glowed and their crew and Jack, Grunt, Zaeed, Garrus, Kasumi and Jacob all engaged in fight with the other crew.

"For radio." Jacob shouted throwing a garbage can.

"There is a 0.000000086 chanced that the other crew could win." Legion suggested.

"Alright come placed your bets." Joker held out his omni-tool and collected credits from everyone.

"I got the credits on the bald chick." One man shouted.

"I work with a brunch of idiots." Miranda growled, standing up to leave.

"Yo shawty let me holler at that ass." a group of guys said. It wasn't a minute later before they found themselves threw across the room.

**Note to self:** Never bring my crew with me EVER!

* * *

><p>More to come. R&amp;R and thank you all for reading. Panda out<p> 


	2. The Picture

_ I was chosen for this mission_

_ because killing is an art. _

_ And I am a Master_

_ -Thane Krios_

* * *

><p><strong>Garrus Vakarian<strong>

I'm too sexy for my armor _*stylish pose*_

30 minutes ago

-Jane Shepard, Kelly Chamber, and 20 others like this.

.

**Tali vas Normandy**

You do know I'm just using you for your body?

40 minutes ago

-Jane Shepard and 2 others like this

** .**

**Garrus Vakarian**

I'm ok with that :)))

10 minutes ago

.

**Jeff "Joker" Moreau posted on Garrus Vakarian wall**

Have you seen her face yet?

20 minutes ago

.

**Jane Shepard**

Joker stop asking rude question.. So Garrus did you happen to see Tali face

17 minutes ago

.

**Garrus Vakarian**

No I haven't sadly

13 minutes ago

.

**Jeff "Joker" Moreau**

So any guesses on how she looks?

5 minutes ago

.

**Kelly Chambers**

I bet she looks like a human. I read that Quarians have hair just like us

10 minutes ago

.

**Garrus Vakarian**

It`s no way they look like a human

2 minutes ago

.

**Mordin Solus**

Very likely Vakarian, Quarians hair and facial structure such as lips, teeth and eyes makes them more similar to human in physical appearance.

Apart from feet and hands their body shape and sexual dimorphism is similar to humans as well.

40 minutes ago

-Kelly Chambers and three others like this

**.**

**Jeff "Joker" Moreau**

See we have crazy Salarian scientist logic on are side...wait is that really a good thing

30 Minutes ago

.

**Garrus Vakarian**

Idk, I'll believe it when I see it

10 Minutes ago

.

**Jane Shepard posted a photo "The Quarian"**

Got this from my brother he had it on the side of his bed :P xoXOxo

10 minutes ago

**.**

**Miranda Lawson**

Umm…Commander you don't have a brother

5 minutes ago

**.**

**Jane Shepard**

Sure I do, he's from another mother :P

10 minutes ago

**.**

**Garrus Vakarian**

That's not a real Quarians

12 minutes ago

**.**

**Jane Shepard**

How would yah know? You never seen a Quarians face

11 minutes ago

**.**

**Garrus Vakarian**

And you don't have a brother

9 minutes ago

-Miranda Lawson like this

**.**

**Miranda Lawson**

It looks like a damn stock photo from the internet

15 minutes ago

**.**

**Jeff "Joker" Moreau**

It does have that I been Photoshop aura going on. Just saying...:P

5 minutes ago

**.**

**Kelly Chambers**

Such a pretty picture, is she a human model?

2 minutes ago

**.**

**Jane Shepard**

Wtf! I told you guys it's a damn Quarian not a human Rawrrrr

25 minutes ago

**.**

**Garrus Vakarian**

Lol! Come on Commander, you don't expect us to really believe that's a Quarian?

10 minutes ago

**.**

**Mordin Solus**

Must say person in the photo looks like a human…hmm must have crop human face

then use digital hardware to outline face.

Interesting...

10 minutes ago

**.**

**Jane Shepard**

"_"

5 minutes ago

**.**

**Tali Vas Normandy**

Oh Keelah! Shepard how did you get a picture of my face :O

2 minutes ago

**.**

**Jane Shepard**

From my brah from another mother xoXOxo :))_ *sticks out tongue*_ Told you so

5 minutes ago

**.**

**Garrus Vakarian**

Wait that's a picture of you….You gotta be kidding me

5 minutes

**.**

**Tali Vas Normandy**

Yes, what is something wrong with my face? D:

10 minutes ago

**.**

**Kelly Chambers**

You look like a human model :D

15 minutes ago

**.**

**Jeff "Joker" Moreau**

Yeah aside from the few Photoshop lines you look just like a human. Not like that's a bad thing or anything :O

**.**

**Garrus Vakarian**

So you're really a hot human model under that mask? Don't worry I would still tap that anyday:)

5 minutes ago

**.**

**Tali Vas Normandy**

Garrus, I still have my shotgun

10 minutes ago

-Jane Shepard and 30 others like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Ha-ha well that's Mass Effect facebook. Don't worry there will be more to come. This will be random one-shots some recurring. I will be interviewing Joker soon... so if you have a question you want to ask him just drop me a comment. R&amp;R please feed me comments. Panda Krios out…..<strong>


	3. Spacebook Thanes a drug

_ We ended up having a tiebreaker in her quarters. _

_ I had Reach but she had flexibility._

_ More than one way to blow off steam._

_-Garrus Vakarain_

* * *

><p><strong>Jane Shepard<strong>  
>I love my sexii Drell lizard assassin xoXOxo <em>*makes kissy face*<em>  
>30 minutes ago<br>-Kelly Chambers, Thane Krios and 2 others like this

**Thane Krios**  
>My Siha is Beautiful<br>10 minutes ago  
>-Kelly Chamber, Jane Shepard and 3 others like this<br>**  
>Kasumi Goto<strong>  
>Awww...so sweet. True love 3<br>3 minutes ago  
>Thane Krios and Jane Shepard like this<br>**  
>Jack<strong>  
>Omfg! Will you two just f**k already and get it over with<br>5 minutes ago

**Jeff "Joker" Moreau**  
>you crazy kids nowadays, trying to get into each other's pants. Well at least you're getting some action Commander.<br>15 minutes ago

**Zaeed Massani**  
>Doing it with a Drell huh Commander? Oh I had a few female Drells back in my day. They do a lot of "special" tricks wouldn't mind having one right now<br>19 minutes ago  
>-Kelly Chambers and 2 others like this<p>

**Jane Shepard**  
>When did spacebook turn into my sex life :(<br>1 hour ago  
>-Thane Krios like this<p>

**Kasumi Goto**  
>Don't worry Shep, were just happy for you two333333<br>5 minutes ago

**Thane Krios**  
>You have my thanks Ms. Goto...but it would be for the best not to discuss this on here<br>1 hour ago  
>-Jane Shepard like this<p>

**Kelly Chambers  
><strong>If we don't talk about it on here ,were just going to gossip behind your back.  
>1 hour ago<br>Jack and 3 others like this

**Jane Shepard**  
>Thanks Kelly…that's makes me feel so much better sarcasm  
>4 minutes ago<p>

**Mordin Solus posted on Jane Shepard wall**  
>Shepard needed tell you something medical matters. Aware that mission is dangerous. Sexual activity normal for stress relief, still recommends caution. Drell and Human contact may cause small rash, very itch. Oral contact may cause mild hallucinations. Will send advice booklets; along with electronic demonstrations aid vids to your quarters.<br>2 minutes ago

**Thane Krios**  
>Well that is... intriguing<br>7 minutes ago

**Jack**  
>Damn Thane is one hell of a drug. Hey Shepard can you pass the Thane around? Hahahaa<br>4 minutes ago

**Garrus Vakarian**  
>Electronic aid demonstration aid vids... Is that a medical term for porn?<br>26 minutes ago

-Kelly Chambers and 30 others like this

**Kasumi Goto**  
>Oh my Thane didn't know you were such a deadly drug. :P<p>

2 minutes ago

**Kelly Chambers**  
>So is Thane like a hypnotoad? Lucky you Commander :P<br>7 minutes ago

**Jane Shepard**  
>Wtfffffffffff. Mordin why the hell would you post that on my spacebook for everyone to see...<br>2 minutes ago

**Mordin Solus**

Just trying to assist Shepard

4 minutes ago

**Jane Shepard**  
>Assist my ASS!<br>A moment ago

**Garrus Vakarian**  
>I think you already got that part of your body cover Shepard<br>2 minutes ago

**Jane Shepard**  
>That's it I'm going to kick your ass after I'm done with Mordin<br>4 minutes ago  
>-Thane Krios like this<br>**  
>Garrus Vakarian<strong>  
>Can it wait for a bit, I'm in the middle of some calibrations<br>A moment ago

* * *

><p><strong>Lol ok interview next chapter still have time to leave some question. Sorry if its any ooc, like I said this is just for fun. Thanks for the reviews I love them all. Leave more comments, feed my comment meters :) Helljumper 1337 thanks for the idea "spacebook" perfect *gives cookie*. See you all next week bye-bye *waves*<strong>


	4. Interview the Joker

Do not worry, Shepard. I only forget to recycle the Normandy's oxygen

when I've discovered something truly interesting.

[pause] That was a joke.

- EDI

* * *

><p><strong>Panda Krios:<strong> Hello everyone! And welcome to Space talk. I'm your host Panda Krios.

_*Audiences applauded*_

**Panda Krios:** How is everyone doing today?

_*The audience cheers wildly *_

**Panda Krios:** Today we have a special guest from the Normandy crew..

_*Audiences cheers loudly*_

**Panda Krios**: Yeah, I`m just as excited as you guys are. So let's get started!

_*Audiences applaud*_

**Panda Krios:** He's the pilot of the SSV Normandy, in his early life he lived on Arcturus Station before he enlists in the Alliance Navy. He's the best damn pilot in the Alliances fleet. And-

**Jess:** You forgot to add he's a virgin._*the camera man shouts*_

**Joker:** _*pulls back curtain*_I'm not a virgin!

**Zaeed:** Not getting any action huh? Back in my day I use to get it all...well still do. You name a race, I have banged it. Let me tell you this story about this female Turian...

**Panda Krios**_:*Tick mark*_Zaeed will you shut up no one's want to hear about your damn sex life.

**Jess:** _*raises hand* _I do

**Panda Krios:** Shut up pervert_. *points finger at Joker*_ Joker pull the curtain back and wait to I call you.

**Joker**: Ok chill out, geez don't get you panties in a brunch._*pulls curtain down*_

**Jess:** Yeah Panda get your panties out of-

**Panda Krios:** Finish that sentence and I will kill you

**Jess:** _*Gulps loudly*_

**Panda Krios:** Ok now that's over with. _*clears throat*_ He's loves to crack jokes, and his favorite color is blue. Ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce the most badass sexy pilot in the galaxy. Pilot of the Sr-2 Normandy, Jeff Moreau!

_*Jokers limps on stage waving at the audience*_

_*Audiences goes wild. Some females start to scream random things *_

_"I want your baby"_

_"I rock those brittle bones all day long"_

_"I want to tap that a**"_

**Jess:** That's what she said.

_*Panda Krios evil glares at him*_

_*Jokers takes a while getting to his chair*_

**Panda Krios:** Hello and welcome Mr. Moreau

**Joker:** _*waves hand* _Call me Joker

**Panda Krios:** _*blushes*_Ok Joker, how are you feeling today

**Joker:** I`m ok, I guess…

**Panda Krios**: Well Joker that's great to hear. So tell us, what is a typical day for you on the Normandy? It must be great working for the famous Commander Shepard

**Joker**: Oh yeah real great...the near death experience that happens at least twice a day is my favorite. And when that's not fun enough, we go on a savagery hunt called "let's see how many potential dangerous aliens we can find today."

**Panda Krios:** Still it must be funny meeting new species.

**Joker**: Yeah it's not that bad we actual have a good crew. But it would be nice for her to get a new hobby. Like knitting or collecting butterflies, that would be fun.

**Panda Krios: **_*chuckles*_ butterflies and Shepard don't match

_*Panda Krios pulls another card*_

**Panda Krios:** So what do you do for fun…

**Joker:** I sit in the cockpit twirling my leather chair around real fun there.

**Panda Krios**: Oh yeah the bones disease sorry...

**Joker:** Naw its fine. There is time when the Commander goes into her crazy zone making all of us hang out… Something about us all needing to bond and work as a team…

**Panda Krios**: Aww that's sounds so sweet.

**Joker:** Yeah real tear breaker

***Some audiences scream out***

**Helljumper 1337**: We want to hear about you and EDI

**Shadowmythic:** Did you have sex with the robot yet?

**Jess:** Yeah, tell us your dirty laundry

**Joker:** _*start to shift more*_ Well…

_*the crowd and Jess start to chant*_

**Joker:** I haven't exactly done anything with her yet ok? And Edi is not a robot

***the crowd gaps***

**Jess:** Isn't EDI the ship as well.. So you had sex with the Normandy damn player player

_*Panda glares at him angrily*_

**Panda Krios:** So you haven't done it with her. Why not?

**Jess:** Oh yes mighty Joker player player tell us

***Panda Krios shakes fist at him***

**Joker:** Well I haven't had the opportunity yet…

**Panda Krios:** What are you talking about, just take her to your room and do the deed

**Joker:** Well I want it to be perfect, and you know I don`t want to have a shatter pelvis the next morning.

**Jess:** I take a shatter pelvis with pleasure any day.

**Joker:** Yeah, maybe I could give it a go… She is special to me…

**Panda Krios:** That's the spirit Joker. And hell even Shepard find the time to get it on. You name it Shepard has fu-

"Finish that sentence at your own health risk" A random voice shouted that sound like Shepard

_*Panda chuckles nervously*_

**Jess:** Oh yeah I`ll hold the camera for you Joker

**Panda Krios:** That's it

_*Panda Krios gets off stage and hits the camera man*_

**Panda Krios**: That's all for today folks bye-bye

_ *Joker waves*_

_ *waves at camera while hitting Jess*_

_*Audiences waves*_

* * *

><p><strong>Ok guys thanks for reading; if you have someone you want interviewed just let me know… Who dozen love the sexy pilot of the Normandy? My love to all the people who left review *<strong>

**Hugs*I will try to update soon I think the next chapter may come out today not sure...till then leave me a comment please. I down own Mass Effect not now or ever...Panda out**


	5. Shadow Broker Laugh Effect Style

_We have no beginning. _

_We have no end. _

_We are infinite._

_-__Sovereign_

* * *

><p><strong> Shepard, Jacob and Liara make their way to the Shadow Broker. This is how the meeting goes Laugh Effect Style. <strong>

** SB= Shadow Broker from**

**Disclamer:I down own Mass Effect**

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Liara:<strong>** It's over Shadow Broker

****Shadow Broker:** **You travel with fascinating companion's doctor.

**Shadow Broker**: Heavy risk bringing me Jacob Taylor T' soni, but the prize!

**Jacob**_:*Pulls safety* _I will never be like my father

**Shepard:** This ends now.. And Jacob you will be just like your father

**SB:** Thank you bringing the Archangel T'soni. I now have someone to work on my calibrations.

**Garrus: **Well calibrations are my specialty.

**Shepard:** What the hell Garrus when did you get here?

**SB:** Thank you for bringing Miranda ass T'soni. I would like to tap that

**Miranda:** _*pulls safety*_ My arse is never wrong

**Shepard:** Miranda when did your ass get here?

**SB:** I see you brought the Quarian T'soni. She shall show me how to use this she calls an "emergency induction port".

**Tali:** Very carefully _*pulls safety*_

**Shepard:** It's a straw Tali

**Tali:** Emergency induction port

**SB:** Thank you for bringing the assassin T'soni. I had been in need of a memory card.

**Thane_:*_**_pulls safety* _My flesh is a mere tool

**Shepard**_: *looks around*_ Where are you guys coming from

**SB:** I'm obliged to you for bringing the Thief T'soni. Her scare tactics are priceless

**Kasumi:** Reapers!

**Shepard:** What where. _*looks around*_ God damn Kasumi

**SB:** Thank you for bringing me the Justicar. My suit needs to be taken in a bit

**Samara:** _*pulls out needle and thread*_

**Shepard:** Always knew you had that grandmother aura thing going on

**SB:** Thank you for bringing me the tank breed T'soni. I now have someone to accompany me for my breeding request

**Grunt:** Battlemaster will you accompany us

**Shepard:** What the hell Grunt he's the enemy…_*pause* _OK sure why not

**SB:** Thank you for bringing Mr. Massani, I like to hear a good war story

**Zaeed:** Well I don't mind telling you a few

**Shepard:** Zaeed who the f**k side are you on

**SB:** Thank you for bringing me Kelly Chambers T'Soni. I need someone to feed my fish

**Kelly:** _*pulls safety* _I will try my best.

**Shepard:** Kelly you're supposed to be feeding my fish

**SB:** Thank you for bringing the guard from Skyrim T'soni. They will take many arrows to the knee

**Guards_:*_**_draws swords*_

**Shepard:** Who the f**k are these guys

**SB:** Thank you for bringing Casey Hudson. After the Mass Effect ending, the fans will pay well for his head

**Casey Hudson:** I will drop the ball on you

**Sb:** I owe you for bringing Mr. Moreau. There's an overload in need of plugging

**Joker:** ***spins in his leather seat***

**Shepard: **Joker how the hell did you get here…

**SB**: I owe you for bringing the Geth, T'soni I'm in need of infiltrator skills

**Legion:** Geth don't infiltrate

**Shepard**: Eh... Legion you do know you're a infiltrator Geth right?

**SB:** I see you brought Panda Krios T'soni. I'm in need of beta reader for my fanfiction

**Panda Krios:** Uhh...I'm not that very good. But would love to help anyways _*pulls out computer*_

**Shepard:** why the fu** do this bitch have Thane's last name

**SB:** I'm in your debt T'soni. Teens will pay good money for the Salarian sex Ed class

**Mordin:** Always happy to help,

**Shepard**: Yeah, so he can post it on spacebook

**SB:** T'soni I see you brought. Is that subject Zero? Hells no get her ass outta here

**Jack:** Damn I get around

**Shepard:** I'm sure you do...

**SB:** Thank you for bringing Dr. Chakwas .I been waiting to share this ice brandy

**Dr. Chakwas:** Well if you insist...

**Shepard:** Now the Doc here... This can't get any worse

**SB:** Thank you for bringing EDI T'soni...I'm needed to probe a few planets.

**EDI:** Probe launched

**SB:** I see you brought -is that Sha'ira? Oh shit well this is awkward

**Sha'ira**: Back for another go Shadow Broker?

**Shepard:** Who hasn't slept with her...?

**Jack:** Joker

**Joker:** Ha-ha very funny

**SB:** I see you brought Ms. al-jilai T'soni...many people will pay well to punch her

**Al-jilai:**Commander Shepard is it true you're working for Cerberus

_*Shepard punches her*_

**Shepard:** That's on the house...

**SB:** Thank you for bringing me TIM, T'soni. With all his resources and finances, maybe he can save us from the Mass Effect endings.

**The Illusive Man:** _*blows smoke*_ I will try...

**Sheaprd:** How the hell...never mind

**SB:** Thank you for bringing the camera man T'soni. He shall hold the camera for me and Miranda ass

**Jess:** Oh right_*pulls out camera*_

**Shepard: **Who the hell is this now?

**SB:** Thank you for bringing Kai Leng T'soni. Many of Thane's fans will pay handsomely for his head

**Panda Krios:** F**k you Kai Leng... I'm going to rip you limb by limb, you good damn son of a bitch!

Kai Leng: Shut up

**Shepard:** Yeah smooth comeback sword dude...

**SB**: Interesting Choice bringing the Prothean here. I need a few things threw out of the airlock...

**Javik**: _*pulls safety*_

**Shepard**: Is that a Prothean...

**SB:** Thank you for bringing me the child from earth, now Shepard can have nightmares about people who actual matter.

**Child: **Was I even real?_ *pulls safety*_

**Shepard:** Why does this random kid have a gun?

**SB:** I see you brought the Turian councilor. You have my thanks T'soni, I'm in need for someone to dismiss my exist.

**Turian Councilor:**Dismiss. Blame it on the Geth...

**SB:** I see you brought Aria, T'soni. The all of a sudden big hype about her shall bring nice rewards from fans

**Aria:** Don't fuck with Aria

**Panda Krios:** Will never understand when or how she becomes popular...

**Shepard:** You still never answer why you have Thane's name...

**SB**: You have my thanks for bring the Virmire survivor T'soni. The Mass Effect fan base shall suffer without their canon Love interest.

**Panda Krios:** Err. Not really suffering too badly. Me love thane

**Shepard:** _*evilly glares at panda*_

**Jess:** I FREAKING LOVE YOU ASHLEY. I won't let him touch you. Only me…

**Ashley**: Aren't you little to young sport

**Jess:** I'm 18 ***cries***

**Shepard**: There is no way you can win this, just give up now.

**Liara:** Yeah give up, you big ugly fat ass monster.

**Shepard:** Yeah what she said…

**Liara:** Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck

**Shepard:** Uhh yeah…_*chuckles nervously*_

**Liara: **Yo momma so ugly people thinks her face is a Halloween mask

**Shepard:** Umm..Liara maybe you should lay off the yo momma jokes.

**Liara:** Yo momma is so stupid she took a spoon to the super bowl

_*The Shadow Broker gets up*_

**Shepard:** I think you mad him tad bit mad….just a tad bit.

**SB:** Grrrrr_*throws desk and incapacitated everyone except Shepard*_

**Shepard:** Are you freaking kidding me… Best in the galaxy my a**

**SB**: It appears to be just you and me Shepard.

**Shepard:** Not quite**...***_whistle*_

_*Shepard space hamster appears with a gun*_

**SB:** A space hamster...

**Hamster**:_*pulls safety* _meep meep (translator "I'm ready")

**Shepard:** Oh yeah shadow broker your ass is grass

**Hamster:** Meep meep meep meeaap (Translator" let's kick his a**")

**SB:** I'm screwed...

* * *

><p><strong>Ok guys thanks for reading, will update next week sometime. Till then leave comments please. Feed my comment meter :) ….Panda out<strong>


	6. Dance Fail

_If this ends with the both of us dying in a giant explosion_

_ Killing a Reaper, just remember._

_ I took the kill shot_

_-Garrus Vakarian_

* * *

><p><strong>Kelly Chambers Recommended to watch "The Shuffle"<strong>

Epic Dance move!

2 hours ago

Jacob Taylor and 30 others like this.

**Thane Krios**

This is even worse than the crazy dance I use to do with my son.

**2 hours ago**

**Jacob Taylor**

Heavy risk dancing like that, but the priiiizze! Sorry couldn't resist

2 hours ago

Kelly Chamber, Urdnot Wrex and 20 others like this.

**Urdnot Wrex**

Haha the human has no style. Even us Krogan dance better than that.

1 hour ago

Kelly Chambers like this.

**Jack "Subject Zero"**

Damn the Asari dozen just walk away she dances away. LIKE A BOSS!

45 minutes ago

Jacob Taylor, Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy and 10 others like this

**Garrus Vakarian **

I didn't know Asari knew how to drop it down low. Aren't they a flexible race?

40 minutes ago

Urdnot Wrex like this

**Samara "Justicar"**

I hope you all are aware that is Commander Shepard on the video. I should know I had to watch that horror of a thing she calls dancing…

34 minutes ago

**Kelly Chambers**

OMG! That is the Commander! 0_O. Wow she a very bad dancers….

25 minutes ago

**Garrus Vakarian**

I not sure if that even called dancing…..

14 minutes ago

Jack "Subject Zero" and 4 others like this

**Jack "Subject Zero"**

You can call that the Shepard Shuffle. ROFL!

14 minutes

Garrus Vakarian like this

**Jeff "Joker" Moreau **

I guess her dance instructed was in the middle of calibration…

5 minutes ago

**Kelly Chambers**

What if Shepard gets on and sees our comments making fun of her.

2 minutes ago

**Garrus Vakarian**

Let's hope when she makes it back from her mission, that this isn't anywhere on her wall… If so it was nice knowing you all.

A moment ago

Kelly Chambers and 10 others like

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

**Ok guys so sorry for not updating.. I been busy, but hopeful in a few weeks I can go back to updating weekly. I have some funny ideas for one-shots. And if you have ideas feel free to leave them in the comments. I want to thank everyone for the reviews.*hugs* R&R all and thanks for reading, till another day. –Panda out**


	7. Perfect from behind

Henry Lawson, was many things. He was powerful, wealthy, smart and callous. He was feared by some, and hated by many. Some even including his co-workers have called him obsessed. No, he wasn't obsessed, the correct word would be determine. Yes, he was very determine to make his mark on history.

"Sir," a voiced interrupted him from his thought. He turned to see it was the assistance engineer. "Are you ready to begin sir?"

Lawson nodded walking to the pod where his new creation will be born."Yes, Samson I am." He placed his hand behind his back. He had been creating offspring's for the longest, none would ever turn out like he planned. But he knew this time around it would be different. Let's just say he had a 'big' plan in mind.

The man pushed his glasses to the bridge of his nose. "What will be special about this one sir?" He grabbed a clipboard from the table turning a page. "Will she be a powerful Biotic?"

Lawson looked over his shoulder. "No." He gave as a simple answer

The engineer tapped the clipboard before looking up. "Precise aim, and great in combat?"

Lawson frowned."No."

"Intelligent perhaps? She could be smarter than most Artificial Intelligence?"

"Nope."

He thought a while before asking. "Beauty, able to seduce any-man to do he bidding?"

"No."

"Leadership? Courageous? Discipline?"

"No, to all three."

The engineer stared intensely at his boss. He had named off some of the most desirable traits. What did he have in mind that would set apart this offspring from the rest? He looked at his list of desirable traits, and their weren't any more listed to read off.

He pushed the clipboard closer to his chest."Than what will her most desirable trait be sir?"

Henry Lawson had thought about that for weeks. And he had come up with the most desirable trait he could think off.

Lawson walked over to a poster of a female showing her curvaceous back side. He pointed directly at her behind, smiling brilliantly. "I want her to have dat ass." 


	8. Truth or Dare?

It started out like an average day on the Normandy. The male cremates were bored out of their wits. They hadn't been off the ship in a day, a whole day! How were they expected to survive on a ship, without a bar and women was beyond them.

So instead of going crazy from boredom, they all decided to do the first thing that came to mind.

Truth or dare.

"Truth," Jacob answered.

The group of male cremates, including Grunt, Garrus, Thane, Jacob,Kenneth,Joker,Zaeed,Legion, Mordin and Garner were are sitting around the table. It was Joker turn to ask truth or dare to someone, and had choose Jacob.

Grunt let a low growl. "Coward, real men choose dare."

Jacob folded his arms. "Hey, truth can be even worse than a dare."

Joker smirk."If you had to choose someone to sleep with on this ship who would it be?"

Jacob paused looking among the men. "Well I'm not gay so sorry guys you'll out." All the males looked relieved at that answer. Even Legion who dozen even have a gender.

Jacob smiled."I already tapped Miranda so she's out." He and Grunt fist-bumped. "Jack is a little too crazy, I can't imagine the sex we would have."

Garrus chuckled. "And here I thought human males liked it rough," Garrus teased, looking at his human crew.

"Like hell we do," Kenneth said his voice laced in a thick accent. "You must be getting us confused with the Krogan."

"Agreed, humans can't handle women like that," Grunt added.

"Samara would be like sleeping with my grandmother so she's out," Jacob said tapping his chin. "And Shepard is my boss, I can't sleep with the boss."

"I can and have boys," Garrus bragged, placing his hand behind his head. The male cremates all cheered Garrus on.

"That's my boy," Zaeed slapped Garrus on the back.

"So who?" Joker asked getting back to his original question.

Jacob shrugged."So I guess I'll have to go with Kasumi. I sometimes think she's watching me from afar through, kinda sexy and weird in it's own way." All the male cremates agreed.

Joker shifted in his chair. "Alright Jacob your turn to pick someone."

Jacob looked around till his eyes landed on a certain Turain. "Truth or dare?"

Garrus smirked. "Unlike you ladies around here I'm not scared of a little dare," he said in a smug tone.

The room was filled with 'oohs' and 'ahhs'.

Jacob wanted to think of the biggest dare he could, he wanted to wipe that smug look right off that Turian face. Then it hit him, his face lilted up like a Christmas tree."I dare you to steal Jack's underwear."

The room grew silent. A few winced at his dare.

Garrus face twitched up. "You said Jack?" He asked making sure her heard his human friend correctly.

Jacob smirked. "Yeah, you heard right. Your not scared are you?"

"Of course not." Garrus said smiling, but deep inside he was crying like a newborn baby. He knew if Jack catches him down their he was good as dead. Not only was Jack crazy, she was single handedly the one most strongest biotic on the crew. Hell she just as strong if not stronger than a four-hundred year old asari.

Garrus wasn't no coward, so he put on the bravest face he could. Which in turns wasn't as braved as he thought it was. "Don't worry, I'll be back with some underwear," he said as he walked away. They could hear a few sniffle coming from him as he got on the elevator

Thane cleared his thoat."Did anyone else see the tears in his eyes," he inquired looking around the table. All the males nodded in agreement.

"Their is no chance of survival," Legion added, in his own way he felt sorry for him. And that was a lot coming from a machine.

"He's going need hell of a lot of paint to cover his face this time,"Joker said shaking his head.

A hour later they found the Turian near death, his other side of his face had a scar matching the other one. All his bones were broken, he was coughing up blood, and was unable to speak. But in his three fingers they could see he was holding a pair of green underwear.

He was Garrus Vakarian for a reason.  
> <p>


End file.
